Today. What a crazy day today has been. I wasn't even able to sit down to relax for a few minutes until after dinner. And in a few minutes, I have a date with the gym. But, when I think about it, it's probably a good thing today has been so busy. It's kept my mind off things. This post is a little heavy in subject matter, so if you're wanting a fun post, skip this one. I've learned this is a good way for me to try to process things, and I do hope to help others better understand what this is like, and to help others going through it as well.
I would be lying if I said the last month has been easy. That I've always had a great attitude about what's happened. Because it hasn't. Mike and I can't even bring ourselves to say the word 'miscarriage' when talking about it, because it just hurts too much. Instead, we simply say, 'everything that happened.'
This time around, I held things in for weeks. Internalizing. Keeping it to myself. Letting Mike focus on his job without worrying about me falling to pieces. I hated it. That was the way I used to be, in high school at least. Then I went to school and met Mike. I learned to process my feelings in healthier ways without keeping things pent up. Trust me, it's so much easier. But for some reason, I found myself holding things in again. And I was reminded why it's not a healthy way to deal with things. Because when I finally let myself feel, I was a wreck. I'm talking crying for hours kind of wreck. I can't even begin to describe what this last miscarriage has been like, emotionally and physically.
Here's the thing. When I even begin to suspect I may be pregnant, I become a nervous wreck, because there are so many uncertainties for us in regards to pregnancy, and we are still trying to figure out all the pieces of the puzzle. This time was no different. However, instead of rushing to the store to buy a test as soon as I had my suspicions, I put off taking one for weeks, mostly because I was petrified that a few days after I took it and started to get even the slightest excited, I would find myself miscarrying again. I finally decided to go for it one day, but once again, a few days later, I woke up in the morning knowing I would be having a miscarriage that very same day. Despite doctors telling us there was still a chance the baby could be saved, I knew otherwise. Call it intuition I guess.
Even though this was our fourth one, and you'd think it wouldn't affect us as much, this one was the hardest. No one should have to see and go through what we saw and went through this time. I'll spare the details, but it was ugly. It was horiffic. Words cannot describe what it was like. The grief we felt, the shock, the emptiness, are beyond description. I still have nightmares about it. But despite all the despair we felt, we were also comforted. I guess you could call it one of our own 'Liberty Jail' moments.
Anyway, I've been holding this all in for weeks, and last week it finally spilled over. Thank goodness my mom came down and spent a day with us skiing. I can't tell you what a much needed break that was! I don't know how we do it, but we always find ourselves laughing so hard at one point we are crying. The culprit this time? A mahimahi wand. Random, I know.
After that, I was feeling pretty good again. Like I could actually cope with life once more. But, last night I unexpectedly hit a trigger, and it all came flooding back. I ended up talking to one of my close friends, and thank goodness she was able to give me some much needed perspective. She and her husband have been through almost exactly what we are going through, so she knows what it's like. That and talking to my amazing sister in law today have helped make things much more bearable. I'm so grateful for those the Lord places in our lives to help us along the way, and to show us we aren't alone; there are others who know what it's like.
As I have began to open up about and process things the last week or so, even though I'm still struggling, I came to the realization that, although this is extremely difficult to go through, I am grateful for it. Mike and I talked about this last night, but we now fully understand just how sacred pregnancy is. How much of an honor and miracle every single pregnancy is, and we have come to not take anything about it for granted. It's difficult to convey the feelings I have had the last 24 hours about everything that we've experienced. Yes, it has been hard, very hard, but we've been brought closer to each other and the Lord in ways I never thought possible. Our relationship has grown beyond anything I could have imagined. And I know when we hold our child in our arms when the time comes, we will be better parents because of this trial. Our baby will be nothing short of a miracle. And that is such a humbling thought! We honestly cannot wait for that time. It has never been a matter of if, it has always been a matter of when. In the meantime, we're trying to pick the pieces back up and keep pushing upward and onward.