As many of you know, this year hasn't exactly been a smooth ride for us. Between Mike's health issues the last six months, things going on with my family, and school, there were times it felt like we just couldn't catch a break; it was just one bit of bad news after another.
Toward the end of November, I had had enough of everything that was going on. (Not to mention the stress of upcoming final exams wasn't helping.) I was just plain tired of trying to keep a happy face on. I was doing ok keeping on my feet until my menstrual cycle came - again. It was devastating. It was the end of the rope for me, and I was in tears for hours. We've been off birth control for 22 months, and I was tired of getting hopeful that each month would be the month my cycle wouldn't come, but it always did. So many of my friends are pregnant, and even though I was extremely happy for them, I couldn't help but wish it was me. No matter how hard I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal that it had been so long we were off birth control, I could never hide the fact from myself the last few months that it was wearing me down. Fast. I was tired of waiting. Tired of the relentless questions over when we were going to start having kids and why we didn't already, etc.
For those of you who don't know our situation with this, here's the background story in a nutshell:
Mike was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma when he was 18, and was immediately hospitalized due to his tumor size and severity of his situation. Not a minute too soon. The next day his lung collapsed, and his life literally hung in the balance. In the haste of getting him into immediate treatment, they gave him minutes to get a semen sample to save some sperm. Well, needless to say he was so sick (along with having a collapsed lung) it was impossible. So, he went through chemotherapy and radiation without having been able to freeze any sperm.
Well, while he was on his temple mission once he was in remission, he went in to have a sperm count done. When it came back, they told Mike they had found absolutely no sperm.
I knew about this while we were dating. Mike had told me, but for some reason it never really bothered me. Once we got married we didn't doubt that a way would be opened for a miracle to occur for us to get pregnant. We didn't know how long we would have to wait, let alone when it would happen, but we didn't doubt that it would.
Shortly before finals, I asked Mike to give me a blessing to simply help cope. During the blessing, I was told the time had come for us to concieve. It was quite an overwhelming though! It didn't take long for some fears to come creeping in, and a few nights later I told Mike I didn't know if I had the strength to go through another menstrual cycle. He simply took me in his arms and reassured me things would be ok.
A few days later, I was getting ready to take my last exam, and for some reason or another, I was so anxious about it I couldn't stop shaking. Mike didn't even hesitate when I asked him to give me a blessing to help calm me down. Not only did the blessing help calm me, but the last thing that was told me was the Lord had granted me the desire of my heart. I felt at that instant that I was pregnant, but I brushed it off thinking it was nothing. I wrapped up my studying a few hours later, and took the exam. When I got home, Mike looked at me and said, "Um, you're pregnant." I stared at him in disbelief because I had felt that same thing at the end of the blessing. He then told me while he was giving me the blessing the words came to him to say that I was with child, but he was so shocked over it that he said what he said instead. Needless to say I was ecstatic but dumbfounded. I couldn't believe it had happened because we've been off bc for so long! It was surreal!
It didn't take long for the Adversary to really start working on me though, making me doubt. In several subsequent blessings in the coming week, I was told not to doubt, and one in particular I was told, "As surely as the sun rises, there is a child* within you." (*We were told the sex of the baby in this, but that's another time.) I was also told that our child spends as much time with me as he/she is allowed, and is excited to come, but the Adversary is working overtime right now to try to get me to doubt and become discouraged.
Well, a few days before Christmas, I began experiencing those lovely early pregnancy symptoms. Extreme fatique, nausea, as well as others. Including the mood swings. It's been like PMS times ten! But, despite how miserable I've felt at times, I have to keep reminding myself it's all going to be worth it. Hopefully when the morning sickness hits it won't be too bad!
So, what did we get for Christmas this year? Our very own Christmas miracle. A *very* tender mercy of the Lord. I already love how Mike seems to get more and more excited each time we talk about it! I'm due September 7, which seems *forever* away, but at the same time it will go fast, I'm sure. And, I am excited to get a baby bump eventually! This upcoming year is going to be busy, but will bring a lot of new and exciting changes!
"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."